These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you. Craig Ferguson email hooked kids Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson california law writing They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns. Craig Ferguson obesity weight links So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet. Craig Ferguson mad games mean I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn. Craig Ferguson care ambition jobs If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof. Craig Ferguson proof bullets believe My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus. Craig Ferguson asking names son Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies. Craig Ferguson confession sacred lying It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe. Craig Ferguson welfare wealth sin I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right. Craig Ferguson mean past moving Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus. Craig Ferguson self men book You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time. Craig Ferguson crazy couple men The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy. Craig Ferguson sexy girl should-have It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo. Craig Ferguson great-day monday america Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me. Craig Ferguson ocean want people I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke. Craig Ferguson accents jokes knows What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night! Craig Ferguson redemption welcome night Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction. Craig Ferguson amount chameleon needs Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married. Craig Ferguson dutch oil world I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny. Craig Ferguson ifs talking funny
