This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough! Conan O'Brien More Quotes by Conan O'Brien More Quotes From Conan O'Brien On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with - Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn't wait to hear his suggestions. Conan O'Brien easter two people On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. Conan O'Brien daughter names doe A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.' Conan O'Brien legs baby rooms Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. Conan O'Brien ice-cream taught kids Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy? Conan O'Brien egypt names children If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. Conan O'Brien rocks jumping hair A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer.' Conan O'Brien daughter president sheep President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal. Conan O'Brien hard-work yesterday order The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies. Conan O'Brien tsa knives fire If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk. Conan O'Brien people fall thinking There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. Conan O'Brien dartmouth graduation inspirational A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone. Conan O'Brien smartphones study baby It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.' Conan O'Brien rudolph names negative I've always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, 'You should be getting to bed now.' Conan O'Brien great-love bed father Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years. Conan O'Brien government two years Link Wray is the all-time legend. Conan O'Brien legends guitar links Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. Conan O'Brien president successful country On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan. Conan O'Brien disappointing presidential election Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life. Conan O'Brien summer inspirational people 'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him. Conan O'Brien week stories firsts
