To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. Demetri Martin my-favoritesoundthinking When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. Demetri Martin drywaterlooks Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time. Demetri Martin killerssuicidebridges It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. Demetri Martin internettwopeople For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman. Demetri Martin cowboyreasonsound What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples! Demetri Martin ricemilknipples I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. Demetri Martin distancehairthinking I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely. Demetri Martin hipstercomedianstars Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets. Demetri Martin refrigeratorsmagnetknights It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time." Demetri Martin dumbdecisionyears If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. Demetri Martin blindfoldsblindifs Once I started to look i finally began to see. Demetri Martin looks The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. Demetri Martin mysteriouslordway My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.' Demetri Martin distanceoceantalking Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer. Demetri Martin challengesplayfun I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin. Demetri Martin napkinsshirts The problem with most people, is that they are most people. Demetri Martin four-agreementsproblempeople The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. Demetri Martin ledgesbalancekeys I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. Demetri Martin spaghettisnakes A human head looks the least scary when it is attached. Demetri Martin scaryhumanslooks
