Today the average gas price in America hit an all-time record high over $4 per gallon. OK, that stings, but a clean conscience is worth a buck or two. It's important. It's important. I'm willing to pay $4 a gallon. Hell, I'll pay $15 a gallon because I drive a Tesla.

Stephen Colbert

More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
More Quotes From Stephen Colbert
Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours by Stephen Colbert

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

Stephen Colbert
tapeopinionwant

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

Stephen Colbert
weedpeopleschool

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

Stephen Colbert
cowboyprincessdream

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

Stephen Colbert
religiousfatherjesus

I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can.

Stephen Colbert
should-havepeoplethinking
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiorit... by Stephen Colbert

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Stephen Colbert
superioritydedicatedatheism

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Stephen Colbert
taffystretchingdelicious
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free... by Stephen Colbert

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Stephen Colbert
yogurtinspiringgraduation

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

Stephen Colbert
bangsgirlschool
Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? by Stephen Colbert

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Stephen Colbert
ballsatheismatheist

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

Stephen Colbert
saying-yescynicismlong
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi... by Stephen Colbert

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

Stephen Colbert
highwaystricksmind
I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else wou... by Stephen Colbert

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

Stephen Colbert
offersinternetsex

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Stephen Colbert
vietnamdoctorseight

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Stephen Colbert
muslim-extremistshuntspresident
Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil. by Stephen Colbert

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

Stephen Colbert
oilwar

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Stephen Colbert
drynameswant

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

Stephen Colbert
communitykidsschool

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Stephen Colbert
agreefightingmay
I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of. by Stephen Colbert

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

Stephen Colbert
fansfacts