Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves. Amy Schumer More Quotes by Amy Schumer More Quotes From Amy Schumer I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think. Amy Schumer care people thinking I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh. Amy Schumer laughing people thinking I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes. Amy Schumer stuff-i-like jokes stuff I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time. Amy Schumer sensitive shakes hands Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright. Amy Schumer stage years thinking I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me. Amy Schumer comedian responsibility memorable I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian, and people have so much aggression towards women. I don't really know where that comes from, but I feel a total responsibility, and I'm gonna do my part, to continue on the path that I'm on. Amy Schumer comedian responsibility people My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family. Amy Schumer dad mom thinking The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh. Amy Schumer moments laughing way Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom? Amy Schumer bathroom want way Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one? Amy Schumer party real school I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked. Amy Schumer naked college play Song "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" is actually about syphilis. Amy Schumer sixteen syphilis song I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5. Amy Schumer comic actresses play I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too. Amy Schumer passed-away mets rivers The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess. Amy Schumer amy adults girl I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot. Amy Schumer chardonnay twists glasses I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship. Amy Schumer crazy reality thinking Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired. Amy Schumer tired sorry sound My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college. Amy Schumer backgrounds theater college
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