Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling. Dane Cook More Quotes by Dane Cook More Quotes From Dane Cook You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon. Dane Cook thon soul needs Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it. Dane Cook battle nice epic I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations. Dane Cook benefits expectations want They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus. Dane Cook nice school jesus I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights. Dane Cook tights juice combination I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush. Dane Cook puke fine my-own Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it. Dane Cook making-a-difference differences want Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion. Dane Cook girl real fall I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things? Dane Cook passports found-someone tonight I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls. Dane Cook skinny balls ties I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58. Dane Cook suicidal optimistic suicide I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles. Dane Cook play watches looks I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station. Dane Cook dating kissing running Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones. Dane Cook rebel choices kids Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself. Dane Cook glowing mirrors looks The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit. Dane Cook dating car color I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra. Dane Cook everyday writing littles It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar. Dane Cook pixar disappointment feelings Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on. Dane Cook focus problem sometimes A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80! Dane Cook car couple light
