We have a really, really great dog. It doesn't bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He's just a very happy dog. Jimmy Fallon More Quotes by Jimmy Fallon More Quotes From Jimmy Fallon Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.' Jimmy Fallon london-olympics monday funny The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him. Jimmy Fallon athlete winning funny The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who've been outside today said, 'Sounds good to me. Let's accelerate that global warming.' Jimmy Fallon keystone-pipeline sound people The pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, 'Eh . . . second biggest.' Jimmy Fallon mexico running people It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts. Jimmy Fallon london-olympics team funny No-one gets beaten to death quite like Hilary Swank Jimmy Fallon swank hollywood film People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host. Jimmy Fallon tonight two people Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, 'I'm begging.' Because what better way to show you're a strong leader than acting like you're drunk and dialing your ex? Jimmy Fallon fundraising majority-leader strong After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, 'Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?' Jimmy Fallon team basketball golf President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. 'Yeah just call me, you know, if I'm around. It'll be fun.' Jimmy Fallon fun country moving A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like 'Feel the Bern.' They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says 'Feel the Chafee.' Jimmy Fallon inspired messages want At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!' Jimmy Fallon rap president said One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor. Jimmy Fallon doctors tea advice A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, 'Quitting!' Jimmy Fallon feuds weekend campaigns A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: 'To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?' Jimmy Fallon marijuana waiting play Hillary Clinton has a $350 billion plan that she says will make college more affordable. Which has to be better than my parents' plan to make college affordable: 'Be good at sports.' Jimmy Fallon parent college sports In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname 'tortoise' because he's making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one. Jimmy Fallon progress brother thinking There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term - because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly. Jimmy Fallon president running promise Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.' Jimmy Fallon hawaii president beach This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away. Jimmy Fallon agents administration secret
