Were I to put myself on... one of those online dating things, I would not include in my profile that I'm regularly hospitalized for psychosis. But I do know that when I get really bad, there is a place for me to go where I will feel better. Marya Hornbacher More Quotes by Marya Hornbacher More Quotes From Marya Hornbacher When you deal with nonfiction you deal with human characters. Marya Hornbacher nonfiction deals character All of us carry around countless bags of dusty old knickknacks dated from childhood: collected resentments, long list of wounds of greater or lesser significance, glorified memories, absolute certainties that later turn out to be wrong. Humans are emotional pack rats. These bags define us. Marya Hornbacher emotional memories long Falling in love happens so suddenly that it seems, all at once, that you have always been in love. Marya Hornbacher been-in-love falling-in-love happens My brain sometimes departs from the agreed-upon reality, and my private reality is a very lonely place. But in the end, I'm not sure I wish I'd never gone there. Marya Hornbacher lonely brain reality We know we need, and so we acquire and eat and eat, past the point of bodily fullness, trying to sate a greater need. Ashamed of this, we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how to not-need. Marya Hornbacher skeletons trying past I grew into it. It grew into me. It and I blurred at the edges, became one amorphous, seeping, crawling thing. Marya Hornbacher crawling grew edges I get absolutely shitfaced. I am shitfaced and hyper and ten years old. I am having the time of my life. Marya Hornbacher hyper time-of-my-life years The madness is there, and will always be there. But it will keep sleeping, as long as I don't wake it up. Marya Hornbacher madness sleep long People take the feeling of full for granted. Marya Hornbacher granted feelings people One really ought to be afraid of self-torture. But it tempted me. It begged. The dark place that my mind was fast becoming blends, in my memory, with the dark womb of church: the chant, the fugue of prayer, the strange erotic energy that carving a very small cross into my thigh with a nail had brought. Marya Hornbacher prayer dark memories I began to measure things in absence instead of presence. Marya Hornbacher absence You will miss her sometimes. Bear in mind she's trying to kill you. Bear in mind you have a life to live. Marya Hornbacher anorexia missing mind My students know I have a life, they know I've written about my life. They know some detail, probably more than they know about their physics teacher, but I would've told them anyway! Marya Hornbacher details students teacher I have a type of bipolar that swings up and down all day long. There are significant mood swings within a day, within a week, within a month. I go through at least four major episodes a year. That's really the definition of bipolar rapid cycle. But I have ultra-rapid, so I have tiny little episodes all day long. Marya Hornbacher swings long years Bear in mind, people with eating disorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school,athletics,artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school,drop out,quit jobs,leave lovers,move,lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather,we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule,most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place. Marya Hornbacher jobs school moving You can't teach an ear, you can't teach talent, but you can teach people who have those things not to just fly by the seat of their pants. Marya Hornbacher pants ears people When I was growing up, I always felt there was an expectation that I would do one of two things: be great at something, or go crazy and become a total failure. There is no middle ground where I come from, and I am only now beginning to get a sense that there is a middle ground at all. Marya Hornbacher growing-up crazy two You will not stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything, that you are not a slave to your body, you don't have to give in to its whining. Marya Hornbacher pain strong giving Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be alright. Marya Hornbacher costumes brain character I wish I could find words to explain what this kind of cold is like- the cold that has somehow gotten in underneath your skin and is getting colder and colder inside you. Marya Hornbacher cold skins wish
