What we dislike in others is often a weakness in our own lives. Gary Chapman More Quotes by Gary Chapman More Quotes From Gary Chapman Another reality about relationships is that they are never static. All of us experience changes in relationships but a few stop to analyse why a relationship gets better or worse. Gary Chapman static get-better reality Ask yourself: Does the action I am considering have any potential for dealing with the wrong and helping the relationship? And is it best for the person at whom I am angry? The two most constructive options are either to confront the person in a helpful way, or to consciously decide to overlook the matter. Gary Chapman matter doe two The getting out part [of advise] may well be true. Because if you have tried the tender love thing... typically the abuser is not going to change until they are pushed in a corner. Gary Chapman tender-love being-true may The pattern often has been entrenched since childhood... [abusive people] don't think that there is anything wrong with them because that is the way they were brought up in their family. Gary Chapman childhood people thinking This is a huge thing if you are going to have a positive impact on your spouse. You have to not only realize this, but you have to practice this. Gary Chapman impact realizing practice Over the long haul, many of those people [in a difficult marriage] will begin to reciprocate, because you are meeting a basic need in their life, the need for love, and they know they don't deserve love many times. Gary Chapman deserve-love long people I hope the reader's sense that I am deeply empathetic with the pain of being in a desperate marriage, but I also believe that the person who is married to the abuser or the alcoholic or whomever has the greatest potential for helping them. Gary Chapman pain helping believe Physically abusive and verbally abuse marriages are very, very difficult situations. I fully understand people in those kinds of marriages who think there is no hope. I also know that the advice that is given by most people is simply... get out of there as fast as you can. Gary Chapman difficult-situations people thinking This book [Desperate Marriages ] is really a book on how to be a positive change agent in a very, very difficult marriage. I am not promising that all individuals will be responsive to the approach I take, but I do believe that many marriages could be saved... could be healed. That is my hope. Gary Chapman agents believe book I think one of the other myths is that your environment determines your happiness. That if you are living with an alcoholic or living with a depressed spouse for a long time, you are just going to be unhappy. Gary Chapman unhappy long thinking I am not minimizing emotions. Emotions are an important part of life. Gary Chapman parts-of-life emotion important We are human, which means we have the potential to make things different. Gary Chapman different humans mean We can look at the pain in our lives. We can look at the way we have been mistreated, and we can have an attitude of, I will never amount to anything. I have been wrong about people all my life. I am going to pay somebody back for this. Gary Chapman pain attitude people Sometimes when the spouse is really the culprit, it is hard to admit what you consider your little failures, but if you are going to have a better relationship, you admitting your part in the dynamics is a step in the road to healing. Because if they see you modeling apology, for example, and they see you modeling love, they may well get the idea that maybe they need to apologize. Gary Chapman apology healing ideas I think one of the myths is that people don't change. A lot of people believe that. Their spouse has been an alcoholic for the first 10 years of the marriage, and they say they are never going to change. Gary Chapman believe years thinking On the other hand, if I walk in the house, I don't even bother to find her, I just walk in the den and flip on the TV, get myself something to drink, sit down, start unwinding, I have influenced my wife in a very negative way. Gary Chapman wife house hands If I walk in the house, and I greet my wife, and I give her a hug, kiss her on the cheek, and I say to her, "Honey, how'd your day go," and I listed to how her day went. If I say, "Is there anything I can do to help you," and she tells me, "Honey, if you could peel the potatoes," or whatever, I have influenced my wife in a very positive way. Gary Chapman kissing wife giving Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. Gary Chapman voice use messages At the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. Gary Chapman and-love desire heart Most people spend far more time in preparation for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Gary Chapman more-time preparation people
