Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning. Conan O'Brien More Quotes by Conan O'Brien More Quotes From Conan O'Brien An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming. Conan O'Brien swimminglossfunny The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.' Conan O'Brien nbcswimmingfunny The Olive Garden is bringing back its 'Pasta Pass,' which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign. Conan O'Brien campaignsgardenstories Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years. Conan O'Brien london-olympicsfunnyyears Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans. Conan O'Brien eightstrugglefunny Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country. Conan O'Brien californiarunningcountry It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened. Conan O'Brien presidentialrealrunning First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK. Conan O'Brien presidentexerciseworry Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head. Conan O'Brien returnpresidentrunning NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this. Conan O'Brien nbcpresidentrunning Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare. Conan O'Brien cakerunningnight Over the weekend, former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter married each other during a huge ceremony in Houston. The happy couple is planning to honeymoon for three weeks in front of Congress. Conan O'Brien weekendthreecouple Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country. Conan O'Brien hairrunningcountry A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House Conan O'Brien whitehouselying In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography. Conan O'Brien discoveryyearsart In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants. Conan O'Brien championnumbersyears In the Year 2000 men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs... is to make out. Conan O'Brien pairsmenyears Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion. Conan O'Brien epcotholidaymexican Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off. Conan O'Brien clothesdoctorsyesterday Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the 'tush push.' Conan O'Brien fistswantbumps
