Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord." Carol Leifer More Quotes by Carol Leifer More Quotes From Carol Leifer I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom. Carol Leifer mad mom desire I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer pain philosophy funny Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community. Carol Leifer time-flies senior retirement I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name. Carol Leifer guy names islands When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy. Carol Leifer six-months couple looks Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks. Carol Leifer girlfriend coffee jobs I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time. Carol Leifer cried reason All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff. Carol Leifer decision stuff men Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy. Carol Leifer sick jobs people I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility. Carol Leifer undone comedy producers They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences. Carol Leifer materials source people You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine. Carol Leifer fast-food investing eating As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection. Carol Leifer rejection environment worst Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location. Carol Leifer making-love buying real Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark. Carol Leifer lingerie bucks rip Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there. Carol Leifer funny-marriage morning sex My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay. Carol Leifer late gay kind Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts. Carol Leifer sexy fun beach I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight. Carol Leifer light white people When you lie about your age, the terrorists win. Carol Leifer age winning lying
