While on ecstasy, I studied the Bible, i misinterpreted a lot of it. I convinced myself that meth would bring me even closer to God.

Kaylee Muthart

Categorized in : U.S.

So I pushed my thumb, pointer, and middle finger into each eye. I gripped each eyeball, twisted, and pulled until each eye popped out of the socket — it felt like a massive struggle, the hardest thing I ever had to do, because I could no longer see, I don't know if there was blood. But I know the drugs numbed the pain. I'm pretty sure I would have tried to claw right into my brain if a pastor hadn't heard me screaming, ‘I want to see the light!’ — which I don't recall saying — and restrained me.

I don't know how I came to that conclusion, but I felt it was, without doubt, the right, rational thing to do immediately.

He later said, when he found me, that I was holding my eyeballs in my hands. I had squished them, although they were somehow still attached to my head.

I actually feel like a person. I feel like myself, and I don’t feel like I’m chasing something, it, actually, feels really nice.The way it worked out is the way God had it work out, that’s just the way it is… but I’d rather for it to have happened than to still be stuck in that world.

I thought everything would end abruptly, and everyone would die, if I didn't tear out my eyes immediately, i don't know how I came to that conclusion, but I felt it was, without doubt, the right, rational thing to do immediately.