With two years till the nomination, both [Joe] Biden and [Hillary] Clinton are positioning themselves to be the Democratic nominee. And are they stressing their experience, their ideas, their excellent hair? No. They've been talking about their poverty.

Peter Sagal

Categorized in : Talking Hair Stress

If the internet has taught us anything, it's that you want less news and more cats.

Peter Sagal

taught-us news cat

A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

Peter Sagal

wedding-invitation subpoenas invitations

Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.

Peter Sagal

cutting funny science

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.

Peter Sagal

discovery funny science

I am now gay 'cause I have watched Ronaldo...

Peter Sagal

gay causes

We runners talk about having fun but I don't think anybody believes us. We talk about discipline and endurance, we take care, we exercise caution, we watch our diets and monitor our pace. We are ascetics who talk, unconvincingly, of the bracing enjoyment of self-abuse.

Peter Sagal

exercise fun believe

Being a model seems like a dream job - lots of new clothes, cocaine, dates with Leonardo DiCaprio. But that's just for lady models.

Peter Sagal

clothes dream jobs

On Valentine's Day, couples in Calgary can celebrate their love for each other with couples' nude yoga - great way to get in shape and see a side of your partner you've never seen before and never want to see again.

Peter Sagal

valentine yoga couple

Ben & Jerry's ice cream will try to make some marijuana ice cream, resulting in thousands of people simultaneously getting and curing ice cream headaches.

Peter Sagal

ice-cream marijuana people

I love Salt Lake City. It's beautiful with all the great outdoors around you.

Peter Sagal

cities lakes beautiful

According to Domino's head of marketing, whose job we are doing for her right now, quote, "it makes it easy for people to ask and receive something that they'll really use." It's cute. What better way to practice for your inevitable divorce than a gift you can easily divide evenly between the two of you?

Peter Sagal

divorce cute jobs

We know that the president [Donald Trump] watches "Saturday Night Live" because he tweets about it. He doesn't like it, but he keeps watching it.

Peter Sagal

president night watches

There's a common saying that everybody deep at heart loves their mother, except sometimes we decide our actual mothers don't measure up. And so we look for a replacement.

Peter Sagal

mother heart looks

Utah is close to becoming the latest state to legalize medical marijuana.But one DEA agent raised the alarm in front of the Utah legislature. He warned them that rabbits might eat the weed. And then what would you have? You'd have a bunch of weed-crazed rabbits running around. They'd run rampant in the state's cornfields and taco orchards.

Peter Sagal

marijuana weed running

Sometimes you just have to get out there and just help somebody face to face.

Peter Sagal

faces helping sometimes

Buddhism - Tibetan Buddhism - teaches us many things, peace comes from within, we must be free ourselves from earthly desires...

Peter Sagal

teach buddhism desire

Women are using makeup to make their eyes look puffy, their noses look red, and instead of going to the gym, they start their day with a brisk walk of shame.

Peter Sagal

makeup red eye

[Joe] Biden countered. He was speaking at a summit for working families, and he said he had no stocks, no bonds, or a savings account. He then asked a Secret Service agent to hand him his hobo bindle, and he jumped a freight train back to D.C.

Peter Sagal

hobos secret hands

In a surprising unanimous ruling, the Supreme Court ruled the police cannot search what is on your phone without a warrant. Court observers said a unanimous decision from this court was slightly less likely than Scalia winning the annual Supreme Court wet robe contest.

Peter Sagal

phones decision winning

In the ruling, Justice Roberts, who wrote the decision, referred to cell phones as not just phones but, quote, "cameras, video players, rolodexes, calendars, tape recorders, libraries, and diaries," unquote. Plus, he went on, best friends, lovers.

Peter Sagal

phones cells player