You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless. Louis C. K. More Quotes by Louis C. K. More Quotes From Louis C. K. My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core! Louis C. K. thanksmathkids The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore. Louis C. K. being-singlecountrykids Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. Louis C. K. lyingrealitypeople Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Louis C. K. stupidityhatredself Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary. Louis C. K. imaginarycourses Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in. Louis C. K. datingcarsex I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women. Louis C. K. womenmenthinking Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy. Louis C. K. long-agotwoyears People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. Louis C. K. phonespeoplethinking Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two. Louis C. K. funnytwopeople I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at. Louis C. K. failuretryingthinking I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body. Louis C. K. bodylaughingthinking I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well. Louis C. K. realmeanthinking I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn't resting and it isn't doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks. Louis C. K. hurtyearsthinking I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate. Louis C. K. good-fathercitizensfather Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars. Louis C. K. teambaseballdream Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Louis C. K. kindnessinspirationallove [about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way. Louis C. K. dadniceschool The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access tv station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself. Louis C. K. teachingjobsfootball One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid." Louis C. K. daughterfunnychildren
