You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. Elayne Boosler More Quotes by Elayne Boosler More Quotes From Elayne Boosler Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper. Elayne Boosler animal average years I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. Elayne Boosler artist matter people I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. Elayne Boosler women inspiring funny To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. Elayne Boosler comedy silence keys There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it. Elayne Boosler catholic differences school There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. Elayne Boosler casinos bombs comedian I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms. Elayne Boosler weekend parent people I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. Elayne Boosler choices jobs kids Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? Elayne Boosler hiv giving-money television Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. Elayne Boosler congress dog pigs For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. Elayne Boosler comedy minutes newspapers When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. Elayne Boosler vegas new-year memories Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' Elayne Boosler wake-up guy morning I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. Elayne Boosler want people world A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat. Elayne Boosler women cat love My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there. Elayne Boosler mother said Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote. Elayne Boosler equal vote citizens People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math. Elayne Boosler believe sex school Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. Elayne Boosler turkeys teenager names Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. Elayne Boosler speech couple two
