You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine. Alan King More Quotes by Alan King More Quotes From Alan King Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. Alan King marriage fighting way Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom. Alan King enough faces worry We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. Alan King crime stage certain A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat! Alan King summary holiday If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. Alan King marriage inspirational love You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look. Alan King birthday people looks The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Alan King lawyer fire house If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something. Alan King expenses ifs thinking Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? Alan King marriage witty funny My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.' Alan King smart hero father When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted. Alan King apples running morning You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. Alan King marriage witty funny I was a high school throw-out. Alan King high-school school Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party. Alan King vaudeville party looks As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced. Alan King pleasure eggs sex I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special. Alan King special mind bird I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy. Alan King unhappy joy giving My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.' Alan King said father If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny. Alan King currents alive ifs I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify. Alan King comedy bigs thinking
