You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works. Dana Gould More Quotes by Dana Gould More Quotes From Dana Gould I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. Dana Gould peanuts peanut-butter virgins Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond! Dana Gould ponds guy mirrors I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else. Dana Gould massachusetts towns hate A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby. Dana Gould matter song people The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Dana Gould days-off republican party For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire. Dana Gould vampire costumes men Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes. Dana Gould dating four months Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry? Dana Gould global-warming kind looks I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me! Dana Gould problem I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions. Dana Gould swimming felt As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf. Dana Gould moon trying believe Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream. Dana Gould cry differences hair Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten. Dana Gould ten positive-experiences I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did. Dana Gould kung-fu generations kids Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants? Dana Gould sweat shoes running The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger. Dana Gould jogging sweat running Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor? Dana Gould sanctity bachelors holiness There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare. Dana Gould boners clown nightmare I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. Dana Gould naked want world Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. Dana Gould suits-you cowboy men
