Maria Bamford Professions : Comedian Born : September 3, 1970 Browse All Authors Top 50 quotes by Maria Bamford If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile? Maria Bamford distance family inspirational My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time Maria Bamford therapists cutting sitting Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window. Maria Bamford creating-things fun people I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat? Maria Bamford makeup eye thinking I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford paralyzed funny If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite Maria Bamford spite alive reason I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet. Maria Bamford guy nice jobs My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli. Maria Bamford mom religious thinking Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry. Maria Bamford summer inspirational funny I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too. Maria Bamford shopping kissing relationship Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love! Maria Bamford gross doing-what-you-love thinking I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better. Maria Bamford buddhist feel-better jobs We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good. Maria Bamford sometimes I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others. Maria Bamford rich share needs Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. Maria Bamford rising want worry Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty. Maria Bamford cups half children People get really irritated by mental illness. Maria Bamford irritated mental-illness people There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it. Maria Bamford grateful fun mean I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good. Maria Bamford crisis writing Time flies when you are anxious! Maria Bamford time-flies anxious time Similar Authors Bob Hope comedian Brent Weinbach comedian Buddy Hackett comedian Bruce Baum comedian Brother Theodore comedian Brother Dave Gardner comedian All Authors
