Richard Jeni Professions : Comedian Born : April 14, 1957 Died : March 10, 2007 Browse All Authors Top 54 quotes by Richard Jeni Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'? Richard Jeni married doctors choices Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call. Richard Jeni jobs country years If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career. Richard Jeni shoes careers giving Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt. Richard Jeni live-in-the-moment littles animal Never fry bacon when you're naked. Richard Jeni naked Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend. Richard Jeni killing-each-other religious war I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring. Richard Jeni sunday mom mother Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. Richard Jeni chairs doubt jobs When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion. Richard Jeni men life funny I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' Richard Jeni new-york funny thinking That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him. Richard Jeni guy people looks We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half. Richard Jeni our-lives half firsts Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there. Richard Jeni gay party couple If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend. Richard Jeni imaginary-friend fighting war There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two. Richard Jeni obesity-epidemic epidemics two America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong! Richard Jeni twenties aliens america I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was! Richard Jeni girl night sex Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable. Richard Jeni angel real believe To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero. Richard Jeni levels zero matter In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example. Richard Jeni bathroom example doors Similar Authors Bob Hope comedian Brent Weinbach comedian Buddy Hackett comedian Bruce Baum comedian Brother Theodore comedian Brother Dave Gardner comedian All Authors
