Quotes by Girlfriend My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend kings bird My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head. Anthony Jeselnik wall girlfriend religious My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend believe sex My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny? Anthony Jeselnik addiction car girlfriend I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend hate night My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you? Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend want men This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. Anthony Jeselnik funny-christmas xbox girlfriend My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend mom brother Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes. Anthony Jeselnik dad girlfriend writing I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend guy lying Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.' Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend home baby A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend couple funny I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. Anthony Jeselnik worried my-girlfriend girlfriend My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend body baby I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. Anthony Jeselnik yelling girlfriend trying My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant. Anthony Jeselnik restaurants dinner girlfriend I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. Anthony Jeselnik subway girlfriend yesterday «1234567891011»