Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking. Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. Ambrose Bierce businessnighttwo Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Ambrose Bierce badassmoneyfunny Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. Ambrose Bierce jealouslosingreality It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. Ambrose Bierce smellnoseshappiness Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire Ambrose Bierce foolwisemen BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Ambrose Bierce fouralcoholtwo PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. Ambrose Bierce musickeysfunny PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it. Ambrose Bierce ministersauthoritypower POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific-and without science we are as the snakes and toads. Ambrose Bierce drinkingsciencecountry Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul. Ambrose Bierce funny-friendweatherfriendship Habit: A shackle for the free. Ambrose Bierce shackleshabitnihilism IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. Ambrose Bierce imaginationliarsscience To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand. Ambrose Bierce seriousmatterlaughing Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it. Ambrose Bierce falsehoodcan-nottruth-is RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition. Ambrose Bierce railroadspurposescience Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below. Ambrose Bierce splinterstreehands When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward. Ambrose Bierce doctrineforestsphilosophy Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. Ambrose Bierce moleculesatomsions PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. Ambrose Bierce follymadejustice MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. Ambrose Bierce dinnerclothesscience
