After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.' Demetri Martin sound kids children I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things. Demetri Martin checkers heard train 'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards. Demetri Martin backwards mad I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. Demetri Martin im-sorry humor funny Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. Demetri Martin towels paper firsts If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. Demetri Martin keys trying interesting Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen. Demetri Martin queens kings men 100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. Demetri Martin math giving people History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned. Demetri Martin old-fashioned looks rooms If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin im-sorry saws letters I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands. Demetri Martin mind hands moving I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' Demetri Martin humor sorry funny The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line. Demetri Martin distance lines two Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. Demetri Martin differences class men I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. Demetri Martin hey party animal The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin glasses running children Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. Demetri Martin refrigerators magnet interesting I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World. Demetri Martin deals wonder world The sofa is the enemy of productivity. Demetri Martin sofas productivity enemy When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. Demetri Martin buttons toes play
