Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million. David Letterman native-american numbers country USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. David Letterman math funny science I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two. David Letterman film should two You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss. David Letterman weed loss memories Everyday is a compromise. David Letterman compromise everyday America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. David Letterman witty inspirational country Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late. David Letterman president trying book I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit. David Letterman detroit havens I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over. David Letterman involved sex Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing. David Letterman overdoing-it action sometimes There just isn't enough televised Chess David Letterman humour enough chess There is no off position on the genius switch. David Letterman position comedy genius The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? David Letterman zero white house Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. David Letterman black guy fighting Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.' David Letterman half president waiting The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. David Letterman 4th-of-july alcohol two Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death. David Letterman great-idea believe ideas Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. David Letterman sarcastic purpose funny Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.' David Letterman rip republican president Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.' David Letterman thanksgiving mom drinking
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