Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for hav... by Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

Mitch Hedberg

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Categorized in : Drinking Disease Alcohol

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. by Mitch Hedberg

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

stairs convenience sorry

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

crazy humor funny

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

humor funny thinking

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"

silly writing funny

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

forks machines purpose

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'... by Mitch Hedberg

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

humor real funny

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t. by Mitch Hedberg

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

farms grows ants

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

humor listening funny

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus.... by Mitch Hedberg

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

humor funny needs

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"

zero girl funny

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"

humor feet funny

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"

humor funny thinking

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margar... by Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

humor funny way

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. by Mitch Hedberg

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

humor sleep funny

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

humor doors funny

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

humor funny kids

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

different humor funny

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

dad writing funny

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

humor views funny