All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter. Fred Allen More Quotes by Fred Allen More Quotes From Fred Allen I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. Fred Allen boston doctors men He's so small, he's a waste of skin. Fred Allen waste skins sarcastic Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. Fred Allen humor cities funny English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve. Fred Allen coffee taste water The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. Fred Allen humor love funny The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle. Fred Allen growth president average It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue. Fred Allen issues office faces A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal. Fred Allen audience comedian talking My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches. Fred Allen headache percent agents I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. Fred Allen women girl two In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises. Fred Allen show-business shows promise Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play. Fred Allen average men father On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents. Fred Allen ships vices president A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. Fred Allen A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen Do we really deserve top billing? Fred Allen Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. Fred Allen I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. Fred Allen
