An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

Craig Ferguson

Categorized in : Years Police Males

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

real love-is mean

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.

funny-work guy home

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

tvs night mean

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

tattoo beer years

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.

gay fun sex

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

black war thinking

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in... by Craig Ferguson

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

towns jobs kids

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.

college numbers believe

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

funny father son

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it

dream funny sex

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. by Craig Ferguson

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

license pilots proud

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. by Craig Ferguson

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

upset awful ideas

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.

fake campaigns president

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

winner truth-is winning

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

whole-life worry stuff

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

train-wrecks who-i-am trying

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

inspirational funny father

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. by Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.

thanksgiving night

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

marriage mother father

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

rocks birthday thinking