An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.' David Letterman honest tonight looks Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter. David Letterman eight laughter numbers Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' David Letterman campaigns hair world Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food. David Letterman chinese shadow doubt Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can. David Letterman program tonight littles They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls. David Letterman fake white house Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID. David Letterman squares cities new-york You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge? David Letterman beer lost america Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' David Letterman back-when program television Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day. David Letterman finals labor-day rain Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno. David Letterman sunshine worry boys When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.' David Letterman half prayer people Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house. David Letterman mother moving thinking Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here. David Letterman wife president running I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs. David Letterman sleep football fall Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. David Letterman yoga president night By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her. David Letterman president mistake running The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like. David Letterman max mad play Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear. David Letterman hopeful presidential two Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.' David Letterman bills tonight next-week
