An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. Fred Allen More Quotes by Fred Allen More Quotes From Fred Allen I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. Fred Allen boston doctors men He's so small, he's a waste of skin. Fred Allen waste skins sarcastic Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. Fred Allen humor cities funny English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve. Fred Allen coffee taste water The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. Fred Allen humor love funny The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle. Fred Allen growth president average It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue. Fred Allen issues office faces A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal. Fred Allen audience comedian talking My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches. Fred Allen headache percent agents I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. Fred Allen women girl two In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises. Fred Allen show-business shows promise Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play. Fred Allen average men father On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents. Fred Allen ships vices president A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. Fred Allen A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen Do we really deserve top billing? Fred Allen Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. Fred Allen I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. Fred Allen
