Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. Chelsea Handler humor hot funny There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning. Chelsea Handler cat humor funny What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it. Chelsea Handler exercise running people Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate. Chelsea Handler humor funny two I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb. Chelsea Handler smell kids children My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. Chelsea Handler drinking funny lying You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. Chelsea Handler humor night funny Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests. Chelsea Handler gay pride dog My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. Chelsea Handler humor funny lying Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. Chelsea Handler couple humor funny Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. Chelsea Handler humor funny country My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house. Chelsea Handler funny father children He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better. Chelsea Handler humor writing funny Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption. Chelsea Handler kings mother father I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. Chelsea Handler magazines news shows People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. Chelsea Handler men people thinking I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. Chelsea Handler ridiculous comedian stupid The important thing is to be drunk. Chelsea Handler important-things drunk important A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. Chelsea Handler good-times rooms ideas I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life. Chelsea Handler pilates body found
