Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dog... by Spike Milligan

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

Spike Milligan

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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

president long people

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. by Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

saving money chance

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

three time laughing

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasa... by Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

happiness life funny

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light by Spike Milligan

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

cracked light blessed

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong! by Spike Milligan

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

miscellaneous humour plans

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong. by Spike Milligan

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of... by Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

ophelia kind use

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

ems tea tree

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought m... by Spike Milligan

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

fathers-day confused jesus

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone) by Spike Milligan

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

headstone ill

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. by Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

laughter nature funny

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented cust... by Spike Milligan

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

chinese cooking food

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

sonnet reading should

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

depressing pain depression

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

boards light waiting

There are holes in the sky by Spike Milligan

There are holes in the sky

holes rain sky

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. by Spike Milligan

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

friendship life funny

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. by Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

health body years

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to... by Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

arms friendly hands