At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. Demetri Martin done real meaningful A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole. Demetri Martin alarms car way I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails. Demetri Martin nails bites It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot! Demetri Martin flames fire hot A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet. Demetri Martin gloves puppets hands Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill" Demetri Martin humor sports funny You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. Demetri Martin forgiving uncles kissing A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Demetri Martin persuasive dangerous drunk A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. Demetri Martin dream inspirational funny I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. Demetri Martin bungee born jumping One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party. Demetri Martin shortcuts party way When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?' Demetri Martin advertising car buying I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number. Demetri Martin broke numbers hands There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize. Demetri Martin invisible tape realizing The other night I was playing twister with some amputees. Demetri Martin twister amputees night Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. Demetri Martin turtles nephew baby I need to develop some patience - immediately. Demetri Martin needs I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. Demetri Martin snacks different use There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Demetri Martin pool differences important I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors." Demetri Martin cutting humor funny
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