At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Rodney Dangerfield realhurtfunny I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. Rodney Dangerfield wifehumorfunny I have three kids, one of each. Rodney Dangerfield humorfunnykids Life's a short trip. You'll find out. Rodney Dangerfield I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex. Rodney Dangerfield bottlesmirrorssex You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two. Rodney Dangerfield carlaughingtwo I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? Rodney Dangerfield datinggirlparent She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. Rodney Dangerfield uglydogfirsts When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. Rodney Dangerfield respectkidslooks Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. Rodney Dangerfield halloweenripfunny My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. Rodney Dangerfield growing-upfamilyfunny It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. Rodney Dangerfield tiredwifebook I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." Rodney Dangerfield humormorningfunny She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. Rodney Dangerfield fatshumorfunny Time and tide and hookers wait for no man. Rodney Dangerfield tideswaitingmen At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind. Rodney Dangerfield humorouswindfunny When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other. Rodney Dangerfield no-friendsrespectkids When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw. Rodney Dangerfield respectmotherkids I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires. Rodney Dangerfield radioguytwo I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield suicidalcuttingkids
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