Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Phyllis Diller ghettolittlesinspirational Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed. Phyllis Diller bedgonesleep I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis Diller houseworkburiedyards By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. Phyllis Diller commonpregnancybaby A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. Phyllis Diller singerslinessong We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . Phyllis Diller humorousfunnychildren I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. Phyllis Diller dinnerradiotaste I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. Phyllis Diller onionssidesfunny [On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. Phyllis Diller bodyagetwo The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Phyllis Diller old-peoplenuditypeople Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. Phyllis Diller inspirationalmenmean If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. Phyllis Diller husbandwantgiving I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. Phyllis Diller hatsscrewsfaces I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate. Phyllis Diller datingsickmen No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. Phyllis Diller readyguestsmatter Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. Phyllis Diller goldfishtoo-muchhusband Comedy is tragedy revisited. Phyllis Diller comedytragedy Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. Phyllis Diller nervescookingmay All mothers are working mothers. Phyllis Diller mother I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! Phyllis Diller smartclerkshate
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