Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry. George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. George Carlin hearingstupidpeople I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. George Carlin humorstupidfunny Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute. George Carlin pianowastepractice When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. George Carlin groupswonderpeople If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. George Carlin cancerhumorfunny A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics? George Carlin halflawtwo I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. George Carlin shenaniganscrimehumanity I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were "latch-door kids." We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves. George Carlin brothermotherfather The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. George Carlin garbagedefinitionstelevision The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin pleasantchristianpeople Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. George Carlin connectedfeelsneeds Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. George Carlin choicesdecisionself I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. George Carlin civilizationmeanthinking Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven. George Carlin bakingpiegrandmother Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. George Carlin double-standardfinestandards I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. George Carlin inspirationallifefunny God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. George Carlin humorstupidfunny I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh? George Carlin writingkidsschool The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way." George Carlin floridapolicehumorous Let me get a sip of water here... you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. George Carlin cancerletting-gophilosophy
