Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons. Demetri Martin squirrels gun men Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal. Demetri Martin fighting humor funny I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying. Demetri Martin certain i-can stupid A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either Demetri Martin burlap musical want As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway. Demetri Martin airplane thank-god forgotten The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet. Demetri Martin pluto grew thinking I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. Demetri Martin college jobs school I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world. Demetri Martin empathy believe people And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. Demetri Martin jobs way years When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed. Demetri Martin matter sex school Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint. Demetri Martin party home people I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are. Demetri Martin want doors people There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur. Demetri Martin horse college men Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. Demetri Martin punchlines short-love ideas I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. Demetri Martin simplicity trying ideas I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. Demetri Martin excited done trying A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' Demetri Martin humor funny people I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' Demetri Martin im-sorry humor funny I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation. Demetri Martin sharks situation water I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why. Demetri Martin sticker turtles knows
