Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true. Aziz Ansari More Quotes by Aziz Ansari More Quotes From Aziz Ansari So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face. Aziz Ansari gaybookdirty Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us Aziz Ansari wifedisappointmentcheating I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run. Aziz Ansari couplerunninglong Really good comedians, you know, when they go on stage, they don't really care what the audience - they're fearless, you know? They're so comfortable that they don't care. They don't have that neediness where they need the laughs. Aziz Ansari fearlesscomedianlaughing If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people. Aziz Ansari nicesorrywriting When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses. Aziz Ansari parks-and-recloseshorse I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them. Aziz Ansari crushjealousschool You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play. Aziz Ansari like-youplaymen Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice. Aziz Ansari After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it’ll flop. And that’s when I really take a hard look at myself and say: "Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it’s talking about." Aziz Ansari talkingnightideas Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie. Aziz Ansari storiestryingcharacter I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian. Aziz Ansari nerdcomedianstuff You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty. Aziz Ansari matterwantmoving If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work. Aziz Ansari rightsmenbelieve I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there. Aziz Ansari elephantswalksrooms I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer. Aziz Ansari curiousadvicegiving As I always have with stand-up or anything, you kind of draw on what you're going through in your life. Aziz Ansari drawskind Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs! Aziz Ansari cuttinguselooks Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man. Aziz Ansari keysfunmen One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind. Aziz Ansari drunkgoalmen
