Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Mitch Hedberg

Categorized in : Funny Sorry Kings

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

drs humor funny

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs... by Mitch Hedberg

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

car humor funny

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

block humor funny

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-b... by Mitch Hedberg

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

humor home funny

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

humor men funny

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! by Mitch Hedberg

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

limos humor funny

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she w... by Mitch Hedberg

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

humor funny firsts

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports ac... by Mitch Hedberg

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

humor sports funny

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.

humor new-york funny

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even k... by Mitch Hedberg

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

humor love funny

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then la... by Mitch Hedberg

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

humor funny needs

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. by Mitch Hedberg

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

humor night funny

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

taken art thinking

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

humor jobs funny

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

drunk humor funny

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

humor dog funny

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

cutting humor funny

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

humor funny son

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so... by Mitch Hedberg

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

hungry humor funny

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

girlfriend humor funny