Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation.

Jay Mohr

Categorized in : People Mouths Tickets

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

guy trying hands

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

gun today culture

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

flu feel-good pounds

People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells... by Jay Mohr

People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.

telling-the-truth goes-on people

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day. by Jay Mohr

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

senior movie funny

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.

gay brother trying

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

scotland drinking thinking

I've always been very open about it. I've been very open about my addiction, about my panic disorder. But I think that transparency is what can separate you from others because I think that is where comedy is going.

panic addiction thinking

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

glasses missing people

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never... by Jay Mohr

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

volleyball daughter girl

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

divorce golf thinking

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.

perfect talking dirty

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex... by Jay Mohr

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

causes rain sex

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.

opportunity sports years

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once. by Jay Mohr

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

yeah mistake thinking

I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, "Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth." And it's a lot more tiring.

panic-attacks wife ghost

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind. by Jay Mohr

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

likes mind sports

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

golfers progress moving

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much le... by Jay Mohr

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

i-hate hate golf

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by th... by Jay Mohr

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.

one-liner jokes people