Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me. Johnny Carson More Quotes by Johnny Carson More Quotes From Johnny Carson Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry. Johnny Carson olives hungry two Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson christmas sarcastic funny Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. Johnny Carson juice doctors happiness Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. Johnny Carson liquor blonde happiness In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. Johnny Carson crazy people thinking Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? Johnny Carson police artist president Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp. Johnny Carson pimp wife stills If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Johnny Carson humorous witty funny Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away. Johnny Carson tired believe looks What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? Johnny Carson plutonium modern-life character As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show. Johnny Carson awards four two I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. Johnny Carson eight car silly For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson phones funny death Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'. Johnny Carson marriage used girl Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. Johnny Carson My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. Johnny Carson congratulations success hands Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. Johnny Carson lasts new-york night According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives. Johnny Carson lightning statistics winning If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts. Johnny Carson shirts want men I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now." Johnny Carson bores-you attitude boys
