Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. Kristen Schaal More Quotes by Kristen Schaal More Quotes From Kristen Schaal Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies. Kristen Schaal humor baby funny No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me. Kristen Schaal different kind real He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want. Kristen Schaal humor want funny I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. Kristen Schaal humor feet funny The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.' Kristen Schaal ugly humor funny Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up. Kristen Schaal messed-up comedy people I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women. Kristen Schaal support mean people 1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. Kristen Schaal valentine funny moving I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like. Kristen Schaal supposed-to-be thinking This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. Kristen Schaal ambitious humor funny You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners. Kristen Schaal humor funny two Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in. Kristen Schaal humor talking funny Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid. Kristen Schaal humor stupid funny I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies. Kristen Schaal humor baby funny The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart. Kristen Schaal ambition heart funny If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? Kristen Schaal humor moon funny Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go. Kristen Schaal turkeys humor funny The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost. Kristen Schaal airports humor funny A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. Kristen Schaal fighting humor funny All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground. Kristen Schaal all-the-best middle cutting
