First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink. Chelsea Handler humor morning funny I want to start saying bad words all the time! Chelsea Handler bad-word want Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life. Chelsea Handler drink wonder people Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her. Chelsea Handler fees miles appearance In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day. Chelsea Handler tough-economic-times cutting three If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust? Chelsea Handler dealer coke ifs If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong. Chelsea Handler fighting customers ifs I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing. Chelsea Handler If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute. Chelsea Handler fashion want sex Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody. Chelsea Handler teenager serious mean According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie. Chelsea Handler kissing teacher school I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka. Chelsea Handler coffee drinking people Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that. Chelsea Handler fine worry feelings According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot. Chelsea Handler rap guy feet According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat? Chelsea Handler style home night According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt. Chelsea Handler strong new-york yellow I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast. Chelsea Handler ice-cream people thinking Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure. Chelsea Handler housekeeping teens baby This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it. Chelsea Handler onions mixing order I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. Chelsea Handler racism hurt mean
