Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. Stephen Colbert grandchildren boxing ideas Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out. Stephen Colbert bones ghost mean Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. Stephen Colbert habeas-corpus guy law You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? Stephen Colbert the-end-of-the-day politician book If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd. Stephen Colbert nerd huge ifs And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Stephen Colbert christian believe jesus Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon. Stephen Colbert oregon california two I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart. Stephen Colbert heart country book Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails. Stephen Colbert gun kings jesus It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. I'd say that about covers it. Stephen Colbert sea animal moving I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it. Stephen Colbert apples pie dog You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette. Stephen Colbert breaking-eggs eggs I'm getting angry at liberals. Stephen Colbert angry Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach? Stephen Colbert hey scotch years Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. Stephen Colbert oedipus ignorance sex If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? Stephen Colbert cutting teacher children We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings'] Stephen Colbert easter military war I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla! Stephen Colbert cocoons stomach butterfly Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone. Stephen Colbert night funny people Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. Stephen Colbert gun parent kids
