God created man, but I could do better. Erma Bombeck More Quotes by Erma Bombeck More Quotes From Erma Bombeck When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better. Erma Bombeck selfwateryears To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something. Erma Bombeck typewriterswritinglong What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. Erma Bombeck laughtergivingpeople People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. Erma Bombeck doctorshumorousfunny Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. Erma Bombeck forgivenessactingkids Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water. Erma Bombeck motherboyskids Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket. Erma Bombeck independencelosingchildren For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us. Erma Bombeck vacationhusbandkids I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode. Erma Bombeck strongrunningtwo Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer. Erma Bombeck jerseyfoodsex the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in. Erma Bombeck fruitholidaycake The term 'working mother' is redundant. Erma Bombeck redundanttermmother Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna. Erma Bombeck differencesmotherfame Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. Erma Bombeck pastimegossipbaseball When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others. Erma Bombeck orthodox There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas. Erma Bombeck christmasmorningchildren I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer. Erma Bombeck doctorsmenthinking I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors. Erma Bombeck ragsmotherchildren A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room. Erma Bombeck fittingbodyrooms Laugh now, cry later. Erma Bombeck crylaughterlaughing
