God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. Stephen Colbert romancelanguagesex The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable. Stephen Colbert cost-of-livingaffordablecost It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. Stephen Colbert alliesmindchildren John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government. Stephen Colbert hugegovernmentthinking North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.' Stephen Colbert koreahonorattention Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! Stephen Colbert london-olympicsassfunny I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. Stephen Colbert shellsviewswant Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to just hit the backhand. You can't think about all the pieces of it. You can't think about your swing. You just have to do it. Reading someone else's deconstruction of what I do, all it does is put me in my head. On nights when the show goes particularly well, I am not aware of its fluidity. A lot of nights I'm just worried that I'm not going to be as good as the script in front of me. Stephen Colbert readingbeautifulnight I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth. Stephen Colbert x-filesscreamtruth Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. Stephen Colbert truth-istruthsun While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. Stephen Colbert cleansingskinsrace Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace. Stephen Colbert presidentwinningthinking And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it. Stephen Colbert goldfishpetnames I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. Stephen Colbert mistakemeanreligion brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms. Stephen Colbert acronymswowsaved President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry. Stephen Colbert eighteuropethinking Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth. Stephen Colbert truthfacts John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation. Stephen Colbert confirmationblockhabit Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. Stephen Colbert silvermathadd Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work. Stephen Colbert bill-o-reillybillsreligion
