Good morning America I'm not sure who thought this was a good idea, but I am hosting The Oscars along with my good friends Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall.

Amy Schumer

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

different funny kids

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

wow drunk drinking

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

crush years school

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

drinking two mean

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

pilates inspirational funny

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.

shoes guy ideas

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty. by Amy Schumer

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

comedy funny thinking

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

boundaries matter dresses

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.

daughter mom believe

I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

empowering beautiful laughing

I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.' But then I think, F* that ... I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s* to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

strong fun beautiful

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

honesty use fun

I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.

cancer war people

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

uncles hate love-you

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

who-cares dresses mean

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

good-person terrible thinking

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

weight mother sleep

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

weekend family wife

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test. by Amy Schumer

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

tests today blood

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?

congratulations age needs