Gout, a physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. Ambrose Bierce whitehouseorder DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed advantageous to embrace. Ambrose Bierce embraceneighborerrors Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it. Ambrose Bierce partygovernmentrunning DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. Ambrose Bierce silversarcasticclouds In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions. Ambrose Bierce confusionnamesnumbers EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. Ambrose Bierce exileambassadorscountry Fear has no brains; it is an idiot. Ambrose Bierce idiotfearbrain Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Ambrose Bierce sarcasticpurposeanimal Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. Ambrose Bierce writingbookreligion Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box. Ambrose Bierce boxesdemocracygovernment Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. Ambrose Bierce cookingfoodreligion Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. Ambrose Bierce griefsuicidedeath PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation. . . . Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy. Ambrose Bierce cainwiferace Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. Ambrose Bierce wisefoodmen Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. Ambrose Bierce godnamesfunny Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. Ambrose Bierce substancecookingfood MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. Ambrose Bierce animalmenthinking To seek a justification for a decision already made. Ambrose Bierce choicesdecisionmade As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone enough to make him a more competent fool than he would have been without it. Ambrose Bierce ignorancemeanschool Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live. Ambrose Bierce doctorsmedicinehumorous
