Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect! Lewis Black humor funny lying Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes. Lewis Black snowflake different unique Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on. Lewis Black earth-day drug one-day If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you. Lewis Black halloween hurt funny I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long. Lewis Black play night thinking Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. Lewis Black machines asking blood The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas. Lewis Black republican party ideas Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. Lewis Black tortoises get-up bigs If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster. Lewis Black home song funny If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. Lewis Black humor funny believe We have fossils... We win! Lewis Black fossils winning religion None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through. Lewis Black faults people needs My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool. Lewis Black really-cool wells father Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics. Lewis Black minnesota social people You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. Lewis Black law doe want I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan. Lewis Black winning kids sex Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE! Lewis Black horse college thinking I have never thought of my entertainment as being able to bring about social change. I am seriously always looking for the laugh. What it did make me conscious of was having empathy for those without any power in this country. That has always stuck with me. Lewis Black empathy laughing country This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. Lewis Black pox too-much stories It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks? Lewis Black iraq waiting giving
