Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. George Carlin judginglyingpeople Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. George Carlin drugatheistthinking Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. George Carlin inspirationallifefunny Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin stupid-peopleorganizationatheist Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. George Carlin diseasehumorousimpossible Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? George Carlin humorousstuffpeople Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, George Carlin naturesongbeautiful To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from. George Carlin independentmindneeds I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate. George Carlin prayernumbersfunny There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. George Carlin mathematical-logicthreepeople One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin funny-best-friendtrue-friendfriendship What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? George Carlin humormenfunny Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin wittyinspirationalfunny Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? George Carlin healthphilosophyfunny Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body George Carlin over-youfunhappiness If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? George Carlin humorfunnymean The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. George Carlin deceptionusualmean
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