He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads! David Letterman sneakers nike air This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?' David Letterman tourists borders looks Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes? David Letterman guy giving thinking I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad. David Letterman hockey planes dad I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime. David Letterman news differences together Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them. David Letterman married fool looks Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab' David Letterman drinking believe kids I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on. David Letterman evil numbers thinking There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans. David Letterman osama-bin-laden vegan afterlife Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.' David Letterman pakistan borders thinking We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton. David Letterman night father thinking President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory. David Letterman iraq war believe How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal. David Letterman mexico oil land They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin. David Letterman boxers caves add The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie. David Letterman guy mean thinking The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami. David Letterman mexico oil miami The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years. David Letterman iraq mean years There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it. David Letterman mexico parks oil And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket. David Letterman summer beach people They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip. David Letterman wildlife hunting oil
