Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's. Craig Ferguson starsplayerthinking ...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?" Craig Ferguson selfsay-anythingdoe Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Craig Ferguson your-futuretomorrowyesterday These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets. Craig Ferguson teachingteacherkids Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover. Craig Ferguson recoveryaddictionalcohol This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical. Craig Ferguson biblicalreligiouslying I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable. Craig Ferguson humorfunnythinking I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free! Craig Ferguson confusedhumorfunny If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck. Craig Ferguson train-wreckshumorfunny Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words. Craig Ferguson dreamchildrenpeople An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids. Craig Ferguson malespoliceyears Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. Craig Ferguson who-caresbirthwant Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love. Craig Ferguson despairlaughtergiving Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane. Craig Ferguson moneydrinkingheart People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid. Craig Ferguson stupidlifechildren I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. Craig Ferguson recoveryaddictionthinking Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape. Craig Ferguson bottlesbookworld That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil. Craig Ferguson tonightevilcards The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell. Craig Ferguson botoxbillsthinking I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that. Craig Ferguson fashiongamesbelieve
